Crap & True Confessions

When you were growing up, did you envision your life turning out the way it did? Or did life take you on a ride through the ghettos and bypass the country clubs? When did you realize that your life was beyond your control?

Life isn't fair. Murphy is omnipresent. If you’re lied to enough, eventually you’re going to believe a lie. Good people suffer injustice, and the rights of criminals are protected by law. Even in this land of opportunity, most people never rise above mediocrity and their only footnote in history is an obituary. And that's just talking about everyone else!

I don't live in a mansion and life hasn't always been easy. Still, I've been around long enough to know that there are things that money can't fix: things like death, loss of trust, stupidity, and the government. If money could fix those things, Oprah could stay thin, Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't be paranoid, the Catholic Church wouldn't waste money compensating the victims of perverted priests, and the trillions of dollars thrown at welfare wouldn't result in more people in poverty today than ever before.

I myself came from very humble beginnings. Out of five sons, only three of us survived birth. Out of ten million sperm, I won. I’ve often wondered what I’ve missed out on had another sperm gotten to that egg first. Maybe I'd be able to sing, play the piano, paint a fractal, cure a disease - heck, I'd just like to learn to swim, but my legs and arms won't both move at the same time... Don’t get me wrong, my parents were great, but I turned out a shithead - at least in my own mind. I’ve lived for the moment. I’ve taken the smoothest route at the time - only to pay dearly later on. I’ve given up too quickly and compromised my dreams by settling for second or third best. In addition to learning survival skills, I’ve learned to wear a facade - to pretend that I was in control of my own destiny. Actually, I avoided risks; which resulted in missed opportunities. Shame became my constant companion and I’ve devoted a lot of time trying to hide him from my friends and family. I developed other skills to disguise my shame: loyalty, humor, and the ability to teach others how not to be like myself.

Not that I’ve needed help. Life throws us curveballs too. A storm can come along and destroy your home; a better qualified person can take your job; a deadbeat friend or relative can drag you down with them. Loved ones die and leave you with a hole in your heart that can't be filled. Life is full of crap, and often life gets tiring.

Skills acquired in life can, and often are, cruel protectors. Shame can keep us from knowing the difference between a values statement and an observation. My wife can say "It's time to cut the grass." but what hear is "You're a lazy, worthless slug, and I wonder why I ever married you!" What my wife meant was that the grass needs to be cut, but my own opinion of myself caused me to hear something else completely.

Yet, in spite of all the crap that comes our way, there is a brighter side to life. There is this thing called hope. It's a God-thing that often defies logic and reason. And where there is hope, there is an opportunity to learn and profit from our mistakes.

I've learned that self-discipline is a work of the flesh that keeps me from living in the grace of God. I’ve discovered that facts change depending upon my perception. I've also learned that people who tell the truth don't have to remember anything. There's a lot of freedom in being transparent, which may explain why there are so many depressed people in the world today.

There's something else I've learned: a seed grows well in crap. In fact, crap provides the perfect environment for a seed to grow into something beautiful. God uses crap to bless our lives with. An unplanned child from a broken marriage might become a daddy's girl who brings him great pride and joy. Cancer can destroy the body of a loved one, but it can't kill their spirit or prevent a miracle in the form of a beautiful grandson. Bankruptcy may destroy your credit, but you’ll find that in losing your possessions that they no longer possess you. Acquaintenances may turn their backs on you when your facade crumbles, but it's then that you discover who your real friends are.

Everyone you meet has crap in their lives. Most want the same thing you do: to be loved, valued, to count for something. Maybe you've seen someone who's going through so much crap that you're thankful for your own. We're told to get our crap together; so maybe that's what we ought to do. With all the crap in this world, surely there is enough of us to turn it in to something wonderful: a home for the homeless, a shoulder to cry on, or a cause to donate to or volunteer for.

Life’s crap can be a blessing in disguise. It may stink while you’re going through it, but without it, you can’t grow. If you’ve got crap in your life now – rejoice! Grow something!