This really should have been written before my "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" post; so if you haven't read either, read this one first and it might help you understand how I got to where I am now.
The Church told us the truth that we cannot earn our way to an eternity with God; that it is by believing in Jesus Christ that we are saved. I understood that truth but still struggled with my obligations to God. Perhaps I was confused by the 'conflicting' teachings that we can't earn salvation, we're little more than slugs saved by grace, and that we owe God everything. That's all true, but it's not everything we need to understand about God's love and grace.
Several years ago I was invited to visit a local church to hear a prophet who was speaking there. Near the end of his message, this prophet pointed to me and said, "God has a word for you." I looked around, hoping he was pointing at someone behind me, but the prophet shook his head and said, "Yes, you in the blue shirt looking around - God has something to say to you." I nodded meekly, steeling myself for a possible rebuke. Lord knows, I deserved to be rebuked...I just didn't want Him to call me out publically. The prophet walked halfway down the aisle and pointed his finger at me and said, "God wants you to know that He has seen all that you have done for Him, but He also wants you to know that it doesn't mean a thing. God is not interested in your service, He wants you to get to know Him as a Father."
I'd never met or heard of this prophet before. Only a handful of people at the church knew me and I know they didn't prep this guy by telling him about what I did back in my own church. That's why I knew it was really God speaking to me through this man. Sometimes people talk through their ass and claim it's God speaking through them, but this guy was right on the money.
For two or three years, I had been a deacon in my church - not through biblical qualifications, but because I was one of the few men who showed up on a regular basis. God used a donkey in the OT, guess He could use an ass who made himself available. Not only was I an usher, but I was a greeter, the janitor, the guy who wrote, printed and folded the weekly bulletins (with some help from my Sunday School class), a Sunday School teacher, I prepared the communion elements, helped paint the church classrooms, and pretty much anything else that needed doing around the church. If the doors were open, I was there; and when they weren't, I had a key to let myself in.
You see, I had been saved back on Father's Day in 1996, and although I knew I was saved by grace, I felt like I owed God something for saving me. Now that I was saved by grace, I felt obligated to compensate God for everything He was doing for me after saving me. After all, He didn't snatch me up at confession, but left me here for a reason, so God must have wanted something from me.
The church, unwittingly, was complicit in my deception. They allowed me to do all those things. After all, if I told them that I was called by God to use my spiritual gifts in administration and helps, then who were they to deny me the right to serve God? Rather, they encouraged me, and when I couldn't perceive God's acceptance and approval of my service, I took their praise as His approval. At one point, I was cleaning the church on a weekly basis and the leadership decided they should pay me for my efforts. I took this as an affirmation that I was on the right path. It wasn't long though before some of the people who used to praise me for cleaning the church for free were complaining about how they weren't getting their money's worth. What used to be a blessing to me turned into a bitter feeling towards those people and I quickly gave up the position as custodian to someone else who needed the money. Then I wondered what I had done to displease God. I never knew if I was doing enough or doing it well enough to merit His approval.
I think it was Micah who said something like, "What can we give to the Lord? Our possessions? Our time and energy? Are those enough?" (I'm paraphrasing here because I'm too lazy to look it up.) "Well what if I gave a dozen rivers of oil; would that be enough? What if I did like Abraham and offered my first-born as compensation for my sins - would that satisfy God?" Micah understood that we can't do enough, nor does God expect us to try.
What God has always wanted is a relationship with those who are created in His image. While I was worrying about keeping Him appeased because Jesus had to suffer and die for my rebellion, God wanted me to treat Him like a Father rather than a task-master. Why is it that we're afraid to get close to Him? Are we afraid He's going to ask us for some hard sacrifice? Maybe we're afraid if we get close He's going to spank us for our sins. Why do we expect Him to be less loving as a parent than we are?
What the prophet said to me didn't change my activities immediately, but the seed was planted. It took a few months before I started letting things go. It took a church split for me to simply quit trying altogether. I don't blame the church for its complicity in my self-deception. There are people like me in every congregation who substitute activity for a personal relationship with Papa. It was the continued support and love of my pastor and his family that helped me see that God has no expectations of me. I'm free to approach Him, and free to shy away. God is gentle.
He's like a kind person who sees a stray puppy and who coaxes it to come get some food, a nice home, and loving care. The puppy, so scrawny you can count every rib, takes a tentative step forwards because it wants what the man has. But if the man makes a move towards the puppy, it shies back because it's been hurt and deceived by man before. The man, though knowing that he offers everything this poor puppy could ever need, also knows that he can't force it to come to him. Either the puppy allows his need to overcome caution, or the puppy chooses to risk the unknown and misses out on something it really wants.
When I truly understood that God's motivation isn't to make my life miserable by demanding everything from me, and that He actually delights in me, then I was able to stop trying to please Him and learn to love Him; and by loving Him I'm able to accomplish more than I ever could trying to compensate Him for all of His grace and mercies in my life. Like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son, God has never loved me less - even when I've taken advantage of Him. His love has been constant and His desire has been for me to know His love and to love Him in return.
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