Selfish Pride

Pride can be very selfish. One of the main characters in Sea Tree is a minister (not my real pastor). The minister's wife is dying of cancer. Of course, members of the congregation as well as friends and family are dropping by to check on her.

At this point, I'm undecided whether I want this to be about the wife or about the minister - but it goes along these lines: Being disabled, or helpless in a situation, can cause one to become depressed. It's also possible for someone to be both depressed and prideful at the same time.

I think back to my dad and how he never asked for nor accepted something from someone that he didn't earn with his own labor. But finally he grew older and one day - I'll never forget this day - he came by my apartment and asked if he could borrow some money so he could put gas in his car. This was a dad who always had an extra $100 to give to his sons when he visited - and we were more than willing to accept his generosity. But he'd never asked us for anything. Even when my car was totalled, my dad never asked me to pay the remaining payments. He'd co-signed for the loan and it was his name he was protecting. To this day I don't remember how much he paid for my car; but he turned around and helped me get another one.

I remember that I didn't have much money that day, but I wasn't going to deny my dad this one request. I gave him $20, watched him blush as he humbly accepted what I had and he promised to pay me back that Friday when he got paid again; and I held back my tears until he backed out of the driveway. It broke my heart that my dad had to beg for money. He was sending his entire paycheck from the lumber yard home to my mother back in North Carolina. They'd separated for a period while he was going through male menopause. Yet it warmed my heart that he allowed me to return a small favor. True to his word, my father showed up Friday with that $20 and despite my protests that he keep the money, placed two $10 bills in my hand.

I remember more recently visiting my mother in a nursing home and asking her if I could do anything or get something for her. She'd ask for small things, and I was always happy to be able to get them for her. Back to my story and my quandry about whether this should be about him or about his wife..... Sometimes pride manifests itself as an unwillingness to impose on someone. Here's this minister with all these friends who want to help, but they can't do what he really wants them to do so he always turns down any offers to help. He's used to ministering to others and isn't comfortable when the tables are turned. When my fiance was in the latter stages of her cancer, those who knew and loved her would have gladly healed her if they had the power to heal. Some would willingly change places with her if they could. Love is like that, and we're lucky if someone loves us that much. I know when I'm not feeling well I don't want anyone bothering me. When people ask how I'm doing, I'll lie and say OK; and when they ask if they can do anything for me I'll say no - but I think to myself "Yeah, you could leave me alone!"

So how does my minister friend in the story respond to the kindness of others? Should he allow them to do whatever they can - even if it won't change the circumstances? Isn't it better to allow his congregation to minister to him (or his wife)? I would imagine that denying someone the right to minister to him would make them as miserable as he is. At the same time, by allowing them to do something simple - like running an errand or bringing his wife a milkshake or sitting by her bed and reading to her would bring happiness to the person who wants to help.

My real pastor encourages us to focus on building relationships and friendships. These relationships are often give and take - just like life. I suspect that my pastor in the story will learn to become a friend as well as a pastor.